Sunday, July 23, 2006

We met across a crowded womb...

Well...busy old weekend, but on Friday I saw my womb. Now there's an opener.

So...if you're the type of person who calls anything below the belly-button "down below" then my suggestion is that you now run, run, run like the wind. If, on the other hand, you can sit and watch a real-life operation on TV whilst eating a plate of cod and chips, then carry on reading.

Personally I got a B in O Level Human Biology I'll have you know (which in new money would be an A....exams were more difficult in my day...but I digress), and that was partly due to the fact that my science teacher suggested I didn't take a science at all because I'd be lucky if I scraped a C and I thought, "Right you old moo...I'll show you." I am to this day very proud of my B! LOL To be fair, had I taken on a Physics or Chemistry O Level I expect her prediction would have come to pass. Physics and chemistry are a blummin' mystery to me and simply death on toast if we're talking interesting subjects. But ask me to study the alimentary canal and I'm your girl.

However, having said all this, I really have built up a thorough dislike of being in hospital and (call me silly) pain. Several run-ins with gynae wards and operating theatres over the last 10 years have got me to the point that if a consultant says I need to go on a day ward for a simple procedure, I turn into Mrs Basket Case. Imagine Scooby Doo literally being dragged somewhere he doesn't want to go and that would a fair description of what I was like on Friday morning. And grumpy to boot. I had elected to have this procedure, called a hysteroscopy, under local anesthetic (GENERAL anesthetic?? Are you CER-RAZY?!) the downside of which being that I'm awake and hence sort of notice any pain.

I was put on a day ward with 4 other ladies and I spent the first bit telling the nurses my name and date of birth about 20 times (they are nothing if not thorough). And then all of us were asked to put on the theatre gowns. Can I just point out these are all made one size. Slim sylph-like snippets of girls can tie them up and carry on watching Cash in the Attic on the ward TV with gay abandon. Big old lardy bums like me, on the other hand, are left having to skulk along the wall to preserve any modicum of modesty one might want to retain, and then get stuck to the plastic chair whilst also watching said Cash in the Attic because sweaty bums and vinyl plastic chairs are not a good mix. And I gave the hospital porter a bit of a thrill when I had to get in the wheelchair too. Oh the joys...

So by the time I was actually wheeled down to the theatre (at least they don't make you walk down there, backside exposed to the world) I was violently switching between laughing in a hysteria type manner and burying my head in my hands and wondering if I could make a run for it. The Theatre Sister (head honcho) took one look at me and thought, "Oh we've got a right one here". Now, this is where great NHS staff are worth their weight in scrapbooking stash. She was FABULOUS with me. She had a great sense of humour, talked me through what was going to happen, used all her diversionary tactics (I said to her, "I know what you're doing you know...but you just carry on...distract away!") and put a protective hand on my arm all the way through. I wubbed her so much I wanted to bring her home and feed her dinner and call her my Auntie Janet.

And then I saw my womb. In that operating theatre, legs up in stirrups (delightful), half the world, and a camera, staring up me bits. But it was so coooooool! And it's tiny! I imagined a great vacuous cave (I mean, 9lb 2oz Celyn was in there and I looked like HMS Gloucester sailing along at 9 months pregnant). But it was tiddly widdly...the size of a pear. And the pain wasn't too awful. Uncomfortable back and tummy period cramps and the odd pinch or two which made me shut my eyes, practise my Lamas breathing techniques and sing "happy place, happy place, happy place" in my head. But I coped. I told Theatre Sister I wanted a big sticker at the end of it all, to proudly display to all the world, "I visited hospital today." She seemed to think these were only for children. Chuh.

Back on the ward, as chirpy as a budgie now it was all over, I chatted with my other Ward 5ers some more. We had been nattering a bit before I went down, which had helped calm me (blimey, I'm such a wuss...I know you're all shouting this at your computer screens your worst, I've heard it all before), and the nattering continued. I really, really enjoyed meeting these fab ladies, and gave them my blog address, so hopefully they will be reading this (*Chrissie waves at them all*). I do love the fact that women can 'connect' so readily and so strongly in such a short space of is one of the strengths of our sex. The lady next to me was originally from North Wales so I was practising speaking Welsh with her *for 'speaking Welsh' please read 'mutilating the language to the point of lunacy') and she wrote down a message for me to teach Celyn, which was:

Rydwyf wedi bod yn yr ysbyty heddiw, ac wedi gwneud pedair ffrind newydd - Sylvia, Wendy, Pat a Dorothy.

which means (I actually understood this, praise be all things Level 1 Welsh!), "I went to the hospital today and made 4 new friends..." (or something very close to that)

I truly felt sad when I left! Such lovely ladies - we had such a nice chat and a laugh. We literally did meet across a crowded womb! Big hugs to you all.

I do think the NHS is marvellous though. It has its problems (which are all government related) but the fact that I can go in and have that procedure for FREE with such lovely staff (Ward Sister, Ward Nurse and Consultant were also excellent), is exactly as it should be (I did say July was political month!)

Anyway...other possible titles for this blog entry, as discussed by Husband and me on the way home in the car...

Womb at the top
A womb with a view
Budge up and give me some womb
Mushwombs on toast *
Womb to breathe
Tidy up your womb

* this one was actually Fiona's suggestion :-D Any others gratefully received....

Off to church this morning so need to get dressed. Later mates.


SmileyCarrie said...

LOL you're hilarious!! That was so much fun to read! I appreciated your warning at the beginning.. although I am the one who watches these opeation shows on TV while eatting dinner :)

Glad your procedure went well!
Enjoy your day!

PS.. I moved yesterday. first thing I did this morning.. wash my clothes and then hang my laundry outside ;) I knew you would appreciate that !

Tina said...

LOL,made me smile, that did!
Oh and you forgot ...
'Womb to manouevre', which of course you didn't actually have in that gown...!

michelle said...

lol hope every thing is ok.

Kim said...

Wow, I managed to translate the sentance before I scrolled down the page. That's pretty amazing because I was crap at welsh in school. I always used to get D (I think that was just for turning up) I did get a B once when I entered a choral speaking competition, and we came joint 2nd out of 3 (again I think that was just for turning up!)

Chrissie said...

Well I've only got Level 1 and I understood it! LOL I got CSE Grade 4 Maths when I was at secondary school (now bettered by a B at GCSE!)...that was DEFINITELY just for turning up. A 4 at CSE is so pants I can't even explain how pants it is - ROFL!