Have you ever felt Mother Guilt?

Oh I had the most wonderful thing happen to me today. I was just loading these photos and whilst waiting for them to do their thing, I thought about it all over again and my heart just filled with love for that child of mine. So...this is what happened.

I had spent all this morning in my office filling out a job application that needed to be in today. It takes forever to hand-write those blessed forms, and then another age to type a good application letter, each one being tailored to suit the requirements of the job in question. I was nearly there...neatly filled out pages on the desk next to me (along with a pile of English tests I'm marking) ...just jiggling with the last paragraph of the letter on the computer. When suddenly I become aware of my 5 year old, Celyn at my elbow. At the same moment as I turned to see her, I also became aware of a cup of juice spilling...spilling...spilling. All over the marking. All over the application forms. All over the floor. So...what's my very very first reaction?

Hands up all you mummy's out there. Come on, hands up. What's my first reaction? Yes, yes...you. You at the back...what's the answer?

Thaaaaaaaat's riiiiiight.

I yelled.

"CELYN!!!!!"

At which point there are two or three heartwrenching sobs and she puts down the paper plate she'd been carrying (and unfortunately balancing a cup on...no wonder it had spilled) and runs bawling from the room.

It is at this point I realise that the plate had on it a sandwich. A cheese sandwich. She had, without any help whatsoever and no prompt whatsoever except her good natured and loving heart...Made. Me. Lunch.

Okay. All you mummy's out there. How would YOU feel in that situation? Just to recap...your sweet little 5 year old has independently made you lunch and you've reacted by yelling at her. Yes, yes...you on the far left...what do you think?

Thaaaaaat's riiiiiight.

I felt CRAP.

For the first time EVER in her life, she had had the ability (perhaps not the first time ever of having the inclination, but the ability) to get the step stool, reach all the right ingredients and do something lovely for her mummy without being asked or helped in any way. And I had been talking to her last week or the week before about how I feel a bit sad sometimes because I'm the responsible adult in the house...running around after her and my mum all the time...and no one does stuff for me. And she had obviously remembered that.

Oh I was so mortified. I had YELLED at her!!!! Bad bad bad bad BAD mother!

I quickly rescued the marking (good grief, that WAS a panic...that's official work!!! However, it was slightly damp on the bottom edge...nothing too bad) and my application (only the back page had to be redone...no biggie) and ran after her downstairs. Poor lamb, she was crying fit to break. Oh I hugged her and hugged her and told her how very much that lovely act of kindness had meant to me, and I apologised and said I was in the wrong, and told her how wonderful she was. And when she stopped crying she said,

"I couldn't cut slices of the cheese, so I had to use lumps." On checking in the kitchen, she'd even used one of her Ikea plastic knives, cos she knows she shouldn't play with metal ones.

I love her soooooo much. It was the most delicious cheese sandwich I ever ate...even if it was lumpy. And I had to get my own juice.